Ever find yourself perplexed as to why you do the thing you later wished you didn’t do?
You know that it goes against everything you want, and yet you still do it.
Why?
It may be that you hit the snooze button so many times you end up skipping your workout…
It may be that you find zero willpower to pass on the cookie once it’s in front of you, even though you’ll be hating yourself for it afterwards…
It may be that you find yourself feeling the uncomfortable fullness of overeating WAY too often. You don’t know why you do it, even if you desperately want to lose weight…
Or any of a MILLION different “self-sabotaging behaviors” that you can’t seem to change.
Again, why? Why is this?
First of all, I have to start by saying this, put the guilt and self-punishment whips away. Even though you are doing things that go against what you want, and possibly even against your health and wellbeing, there is nothing wrong with you.
The reason why you do these things is because they are wired in our subconscious mind. You see, your subconscious mind is like an autopilot that has been slowly and systematically programmed by you (and your life experiences) since childhood. Some of the programs are effective (like driving without having to think of how far you have to press on the accelerator or brake pedals) and some of the programs are less effective (like eating a cookie to feel like you are having a little bit of fun in your work-filled afternoon.)
Your subconscious autopilot does not have the capacity to decide whether it is a good program or a bad program. It just runs the program.
And importantly, beyond all logic, your subconscious mind is always positively motivated.
So even if it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, your subconscious mind will automatically do things to help you feel safe, comfortable and happy. It may often find the easiest program to get you to feel safe, comfortable and happy.
Let’s bring it home. Do a little inventory of the things you do (with whatever frequency) that you would typically label as self-sabotage. I’ll give you some ideas and you can add your own:
“Procrastinating” on a work project until the deadline looms
Drinking too much alcohol
A pattern of not showing up for important meetings
Letting your partner down in a BIG way, just as the relationship was getting really good
Buying the chips/cookies that you know you binge on
Hitting the snooze button so you don’t get up to exercise
Eating junk when you’re stressed
Overspending
Overeating
What’s THE thing you keep doing that you would rather not do?
OK, now that you have it, let’s be clear that it’s time to stop the chastising. Adding guilt and shame will do you no good and instead will help to keep you stuck.
Now let’s look underneath the behavior.
What do you get by doing this?
Sit with that question for a moment; what do you get?
I can’t tell you what it is for you, but I can tell you that there is something positive that your subconscious mind is looking to get for you through the behavior. Here are some possible positive motivations for your not-s0-constructive behavior:
To feel free from ‘to do’s
To relax
To avoid anxiety and feel more at peace
To feel safe
To avoid future pain
To silence the sadness
To get a sense of luxury and pleasure
To feel the comfort associated with a childhood food
To soothe feelings of unworthiness
To feel connected to others; to feel loved
Etc.
You get the picture. See if any of these resonate with you. You may not find your answer on this list as it contains only a few different possible needs. The trick is to tune into the desire of your heart that your subconscious mind is looking to meet through the well-worn path of the not-so-helpful behavior.
Once you start to uncover this, you being to have the key to shift it without struggle.
If you’d like to start living more masterfully, consider joining my Living With Presence group.
This is a beautiful ongoing group that meets weekly to practice mindfulness, meditate, and anchor ourselves around empowering beliefs and practices. We all become better and better at being our most powerful selves through consistent practice.
This group’s simple practices help you strengthen the parts of you that masterfully create the life you want to be living. You gain increasing clarity, compassion, and personal power in order to more easily release the habits that sabotage what you want.
You can check it out here:
Other resources:
You can also visit this page at the iNLP Center’s website for more insights into self-sabotage.